Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Short Teaser

From a mildly strange dystopian:

You frown. You bite your lip. You run your tongue over your teeth.

I’ve seen you do this twice before, and this, this is where everything always falls apart.

I close my eyes.

“My name is...”

You stare off at the wall, and I can see you fighting to remember. Any second now, you’re going to dredge it up and the doctor and I will have to leave and let the green gas slide up out of the floor, knock you out. Any second now, you’re going to say, like you have said every time, “Claire.”

But you just stare at the wall until the Doctor says,“It’s okay if you don’t remember.”

And you say, “I don’t.”

Your voice is flatter than I’ve ever heard it before in response to this question. There is none of the warmth, the smile, the life of when you say Claire.

Finally. You’re ready.

22 comments:

  1. this is a teaser of the very best kind... the mc motivation is obscure but the emotion is strong and it looks like you have a rocking story

    xx

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  2. Sounds bloody brilliant.

    second person REALLY works

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  3. Yay for second person pov! I, myself, love it and am glad to see that someone else does too! I'm intrigued by this snip, makes me wonder what happened to Claire and the MC's role in all this. more please :)

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  4. Ooh, sounds good to me!! The second person POV totally works, I'm glad you're taking a shot at it because you pull it off really well. Great tease!

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  5. Omg, creepy and intriguing and mysterious all at once. And I LOVE the second person. But I've always been a fan of well-done 2nd :) Awesome snippet!

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  6. Ugh your writing always just kills me. It's always like reading pure poetry.
    And for one teensy second, when I saw Doctor, I was like... Doctor Who?
    Amazing as always darling.

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  7. soo creepy and intense and whoa! I agree with Ellen, very cool using 2nd person. Adds to the creepy awesomeness :)

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  8. Guh, I wants MORE. Seriously, these teasers tease too much! :P

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  9. Ooo, intriguing. The thing about the gas was really eerie. Loving it!

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  10. Second person works! Ink, every time I read one of your teasers I gush from the inside for like 10 minutes to get over how good they are.

    You rock, girl!

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  11. Oh, Vee, this is really creepy. Love it! Especially this...
    Your voice is flatter than I’ve ever heard it before in response to this question. There is none of the warmth, the smile, the life of when you say Claire.

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  12. Whoa. Why does she need to forget her name? What does that make her ready for? This is so great, it's very intriguing!!

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  13. I was wary of the second person, but this just cruises on by with ease. This intrigues me to no end. It's like I need to know what happens next.

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  14. That's really intriguing. I want to read more of this!

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  15. This sent shivers down my spine.

    BRILLIANT work, as always, Vee. :D

    You make second person work!!

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  16. We had some examples in our POV and dialogue class that covered second person, but none that did it as well as this! Wow, I'm in awe.

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  17. That was crazyawesomecreepyperfect.

    What? Of course it's a word.

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  18. Also, I forgot to let you know about a blog award I gave you! Sorry it took so long to let you know!


    http://karlaerikacal.blogspot.com/2010/07/new-blog-award.html

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  19. Wonderful tease! Me wants to know more! :)

    (Although I have to admit that in my mind that Doctor is totally a Timelord. *is geek* ;) )

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  20. I love this! more more more!

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  21. Okay wow! I love it. Second person freaking rocks.

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  22. Ireally like the second person.

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